


Self-Inflicted

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [31]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-18 05:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15478329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Alec has a moment alone.





	Self-Inflicted

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :)
> 
> So, for those who have read the series through, you might remember Magnus has his own moment after 2x18 in What Have I Done? After putting myself through the hell of writing the codas for the last three episodes it only seemed right to capture some of the despair Alec was feeling as well. So, that's what this! Enjoy?

After he sends Clary, Izzy, and Jace to Sebastian's apartment, Alec goes back to the infirmary to check on Max. He's asleep, and still pale, but looking better than he has been doing. Alec finds a blanket to drape over his mother, where her head is resting next to Max's on his pillow and her hand curled through his.

He's still staring unseeingly at the two of them when his dad walks back in, and it jars Alec back to reality, making him square his shoulders and glower.

"I've got work to do," he says the moment Robert goes to open his mouth, already turning away from him.

"Alec."

Alec freezes in the doorway but doesn't turn around, waiting to hear what his dad has to say. Is he going to blame him for what's happened to Max, for not knowing Jonathan has been in the Institute as _Sebastian_ for all this time—for not _knowing_ Sebastian was Jonathan? He wouldn't blame him, and he's used to his father's constant reprimands anyway, so he should be prepared for it. But Alec is so raw right now, that he doesn't think he can turn to face him for it without revealing how close he is to breaking apart.

"Magnus is a... good man."

It's the very last thing Alec expected to hear, and the one thing he can't stand to listen to right now. Alec charges from the infirmary without a word, heart pounding painfully in his chest as he frantically seeks out solace, finding it hard to catch a breath. His usual go-to of firing arrows from the rooftop until his fingers bleed Alec knows already won't bring him any relief today. He all but throws himself through the door of his bedroom and seals it closed behind him, throwing his stele across the room to clatter against the wall when he's done and pressing his forehead against the back of the door.

A broken sob punches its way from his throat, and all this holding back he's been doing just makes this _anguish_ he's feeling erupt from him. Alec sags against the door feeling his knees buckle, and has to force himself to turn away before he falls, slumping down on the corner of the bed.

His heart is broken.

Out of all the things he always thought he'd never get to experience about being in a relationship, he never gave a second's consideration to feeling like _this_. It's impossible, but Alec is sure he can actually feel his heart fracturing, and his stomach clenching so tightly he's sure he'll never eat again.

 _Magnus_ , he thinks, snatching his phone from his pocket, fingers shaking so hard he can barely get the screen open. And when he does, when Magnus is smiling up at him from it, Alec is sure he feels his heart shattering all over again.

He doesn't even bother to wipe his tears away when they keep falling, and only does when his vision blurs so much he can't see the screen. Alec works his way through the other images he has on there of Magnus, or were taken with Magnus, or are even of things he's wanted to share with Magnus in messages.

Like the scribbled _thank you_ he'd written on the napkin that came with the coffee and cake Magnus had sent to his desk after a difficult meeting. And the menu of the restaurant he'd found so he could suggest somewhere new to Magnus for lunch. There is even one he thought he'd deleted, always keeping the most intimate of images between them only long enough to share. It's only of a bruise on his hip, but it's one that was sucked in there by _Magnus_. Alec squeezes his eyes shut to the memory of him doing it and drags himself up the bed to curl up on his side.

Magnus' most recent messages to him include a photo taken from _Alec's_ pillow, showing Magnus sleepy-eyed and smiling, and telling Alec he misses him. He isn't missing him _now_ , Alec thinks, with a fresh burst of tears and another torn out sob. He's doing whatever it is Magnus thinks is necessary to save his _people_ , and Alec can't blame him for it.

How different would things have been if he hadn't kept what he knew about the Soul Sword from him? Was he right to do so? His reasoning sound? His decision to keep it from Magnus truly a professional one? Was he hoping to resolve it being missing before Magnus or anyone else found out?

Alec knows he can't answer any of those questions. He wants to protest to Magnus that they have to keep aspects of their personal and professional lives separate, that they  _agreed_ to that, and that he had to try to do what was in the best interests of everyone. But he also knows this isn't just some menial Clave order that doesn't have any impact on the Downworlders. This is their whole existence that's at risk because Valentine has the Sword, and the Cup, and is only a moment away from figuring out what the Mirror really is.

It feels like it's an impossible decision, and either way he had decided would have led to something going wrong. But that raises more questions for Alec as he curls even tighter in on himself. Does that make him a bad leader for not being able to rule with his head when his heart is protesting for him to listen? Does it mean that because of choices like this he and Magnus are better off apart?

" _No_ ," he growls out loud, but there is no one to hear him.

Alec tucks himself up tighter still. He should have _trusted_ Magnus. They could have resolved this _together_ , they could have found a solution that meant the Downworlders were a part of the solution to finding the Sword, and Valentine, instead of being left in the dark again. But with the Clave's recent interference here at the Institute and them attempting to _chip_ Downworlders after what had happened with Kaelie, why wouldn't the Downworlders have rebelled for the news that the Clave had lost the Soul Sword, and them lied about it?

If the Clave had admitted they didn't have the Sword, if they hadn't trusted Sebastian, if he'd have listened to Magnus in that cell when he was trapped in Valentine's body—

Alec squeezes his eyes shut and turns his face into the pillow, more lost and hopeless than he thinks he's ever felt. But he has to open them, because now his mind is replaying the desperate look on Magnus' face in that cell, and the words falling from his mouth that should have _told_ Alec it was really Magnus speaking to him instead of Valentine.

Date nights, sleepy mornings, holding Magnus' hand proudly as they walked around Central Park on a lazy Sunday; a thousand cherished memories throw themselves at Alec demanding he pay attention to those as well, to remind him of what it is that he has lost. To punish him for the part he's played in driving Magnus away.

It's only been hours, really, since Magnus walked out of his office. And only minutes have passed since he walked away from him for the final time. _They_ are over, and though Alec refuses to believe it, he also can't help but _know_ they are done.

It isn't fair, he thinks, sitting up with a shuddering gasp, denying what he's just acknowledged to himself. This is the one thing he's ever asked for purely for _himself_ in this life, and he can't have it. He took it for granted, thought he was allowed to have something this _good_ , when he never was. He is a soldier, and that is all he is fit for. For fighting, and duty, and never veering from that path.

He isn't even fit for that now.

No soldier would throw themselves to their bed in agony for a hurt they'd inflicted on themself. No soldier would shut himself off from his duties to feel sorry for himself. And no _leader_ would need so long to compose himself to recover from something that is entirely his own fault.

Alec forces himself to stand and balls his fists down by his side, stamping across the room to retrieve his stele from where he's thrown it.

He can't do it, Alec thinks, slumping as he reaches out to remove the rune from the door that's separating him from the world. He can't go out there, pretend he's a leader, act like he has any right to have this responsibility given to him when he can't stop this feeling that he's breaking inside. How will he get through a single instruction, or give a simple order, if he can't have a moment when he isn't thinking of all he's lost?

 _Magnus_ , Alec thinks, having to close his eyes, how must he be feeling? He's going to have to face the Downworlders, admit that the Clave has lied to them, when he's spent so long defending _him_ , telling the Downworld Cabinet that they can _trust_ him. What a fool Magnus must feel for it, for having to take back those confident words? How alone must he feel for knowing the person he's shared so many secrets with has kept this vital thing from him; even if he one day can accept Alec did it with good intentions? That doesn't help either of them now.

There has to be a way to make it up to him, Alec thinks desperately, there has to be a way to make this right. For himself, for Magnus, for everything that is happening in the Shadow World. There has to be a way to _fix_ things. He just has to focus, to concentrate, and he'll be able to figure it out.

He wants to call Magnus. The urge to just _speak_ to him has Alec almost doubling over, and it takes strength he didn't think he was capable of right now to stop himself activating speed and stealth runes to follow Magnus back to his apartment, or wherever it is that he's gone. Where _has_ he gone, Alec thinks, one arm tight across his stomach as the other presses hard into a bookshelf to keep him upright. Are the Downworlders back in the Seelie Court this very moment discussing this _deception_? Discussing their own ways to track both the Sword and Valentine down? Planning an uprising that the Clave, and this Institute, deserve?

The Seelie Queen will be so pleased that this has happened, Alec thinks, certain he can hear her gloating already. He can picture the triumph on her face, and it does nothing but make him scowl. But he's brought this on himself, he should have been open, and honest, just like he and Magnus have always been. Just like he has been promising to be ever since that nightmare that was Magnus being trapped in Valentine's body.

Images of what the Inquisitor almost did to Magnus have Alec grinding his teeth, fury at himself for his part in that never quite leaving him; not that he really thinks it _should_. But now is not the time to dwell on this, to go over every wrong that has added to this situation that they're in now. Or perhaps it is the _perfect_ time, to unravel the thread that led them here, to work out how to untangle this mess.

What if they can't fix it? Alec asks himself, the issues with the Downworld dropping away to leave him only thinking of Magnus and the agony he feels for losing him. Then immediately scolds himself for not thinking as a leader first. How is he ever to have a relationship with anyone if he lets his personal life interfere with what he has to do as a leader? How can he even think to cope with balancing those two worlds when he's created the disaster he just has?

He doesn't _want_ a relationship, Alec thinks, not with anyone that isn't _Magnus_. There isn't a person in the world besides Magnus that Alec wants to be with. It already feels like Alec has transformed to fit around him, and that without him so much of _himself_ is missing. How he's supposed to go through his regular days without him Alec can't even begin to imagine. It's impossible _now_ , when there are so many vital things for him to be concentrating on, and he just _can't_.

 _Focus_ , Alec demands to himself, though the problem is, that stern tone he's always used with himself to get through difficult times doesn't work on him like it used to. Magnus' love for him has softened the edges of that voice making it easier to ignore, in favor of a kinder one. And that kinder one sounds like Magnus, Alec realizes as another shaky sob forces its way from his mouth, and Magnus doesn't want him. Magnus isn't here to put things right.

It isn't _Magnus_ that needs to put things right, Alec immediately chides himself, it was _him_ that did this. _He_ needs to be the one to fix this, even if that seems something impossible right now. And what if Magnus gives up on him? What if that love he said he had for him just a few minutes earlier he already no longer feels? What if he's out there forgetting about him, becoming a harder version of himself, rebuilding the walls he let crumble for letting Alec in, fortifying them so no one else will ever get near enough to hurt him again?

 _Magnus_ , Alec thinks pleading with him to hear him, even if he has no idea where he is right now. He _needs_ him, Alec realizes, half-dazed, he can't do anything without him. And even if he could, he doesn't want to, doesn't want to live this life if it's one without Magnus by his side.

" _Please_ ," Alec says out loud, not even sure who he's talking to, " _please_."

No one answers. Not that he really expected them to. And if—

Alec's phone buzzes. His heart hammers at his throat as he begs his phone to show a message from Magnus. When it's Jace, when his message says nothing but Jonathan is gone, and Sebastian's body was booby-trapped with a demon, all Alec feels is further despair.

He has to get through this. He has to be strong even if he doesn't feel it. They have to find Valentine, stop him getting to the Mortal Mirror, if they are ever to restore the Downworld's faith in them again.

 _Magnus_ , Alec thinks, staring at his phone pulling up that last image of him, of a sweet, sleepy Magnus pressed into his pillows, staring across at where _he_ should be laid. Tears prick in Alec's eyes, his entire body aching with missing him. The phone is in danger of breaking for how tight he's squeezing it in his hand.

 _Focus_ , Alec demands to himself again, typing back an answer to Jace before pinching his eyes and telling himself he isn't allowed to cry anymore. He isn't allowed to show weakness, not now, not when he's made this happen.

Alec stares up at his ceiling, pushes away the thought that this is going to be the view he looks at from now on when trying to sleep next instead of Magnus' bedroom where he already felt at home. Shoves his phone in his pocket, and bunches his fists in tight balls down by his side. Then demands to himself that he get to work.


End file.
